what God wants.

God wants us to have a child's heart.
with a grown-up's head.
simple.
single-minded.
affectionate.
teachable.
with every bit of intelligence we have
to be alert at its job, and in first-class
fighting trim.

[c.s.l.]

how often do you feel like nobody?
how often do you feel worthless?
how often do you feel without purpose?
that your life is going nowhere...
or not the way you wanted it to...
or thought it would.
that you have no special talent.
no amazing gift.
people like you, but don't love you.
you're happy enough where you are.
but so many people you know are
doing spectacular things.

and you're not.


But God gazes at you with love, because you
were His idea.
you have the special gifts He has given you,
though you may not see them.
He has chosen you for a reason.
for a purpose.
you are His.

and no one. can take you away.

ever.

"You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you,
and appointed you, that you should go and bring
forth fruit..." john 15:16

" Your eyes saw my unformed body, yet unperfect;
and in Your book all my days were written, the
days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none
of them." psalm 139:16

"This is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved
us, and sent His son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."
1 john 4:10

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before
you were born, I set you apart." jeremiah 1:5

I don't want to be a "needy" person. I want to stand on my own feet and help other people. And while helping others is a good thing, sometimes I need to be needy. Just for awhile. Before God I AM needy. I have nothing without Him, am nothing without Him. The spirit of pride rises in me though and I want to stand alone. Especially in front of others. I don't want to show excessive emotion or make myself vulnerable in any way. Except. I am not a superamber and I am not God. So I can't stand on my own. When I am having a tough week, it is far easier for me to be macho woman and snap at everyone than it is for me to let people see in my heart. Pride. It is easier to be a bitter grump then to show any pain or tears. Pride. I can handle it. Pride. I'll be fine in the morning. Pride. What is everyone's problem today? I'M fine. Pride. I don't think it was just a coincidence that I happened to be reading a book on humility the same week I heard an excellent sermon on pride. I have found that so many of my decisions come back to me. Me. Me. Me. Me being in charge. What is best for me. What I feel like doing. Where I feel like going. Who I feel like helping. That is selfishness at it's finest. Pride is the root of selfishness. [and every other evil. really. think about it.] My decisions are based on me trying to control my life. Except my life isn't mine to control.

"Pride takes innumerable forms but has only one end:
self-glorification. That's the motive and ultimate purpose
of pride -- to rob God of legitimate glory and to pursue
self-glorification, contending for supremacy with Him.
The proud person seeks to glorify himself and not God,
thereby attempting in effect to deprive God of something
only He is worthy to receive.
No wonder God opposes pride. No wonder He hates
pride. Let that truth sink into your thinking."
[ C.J. Mahaney]

a.s.

like a little child wants their mommy...
i want to go home.
like the little baby wanting security and peace...
i want to go home.
like the infant curling up with his blanket...
i want to go home.
i long for the time when there will be
no more hurt, no more confusion.
no more tears, no more pain.
no more vulnerability, no more fear.
no more misunderstanding,
no more sin.
where there is joy and learning.
love and peace.
contentment and fulfillment.
holiness and security.

i'm longing for my real home.

what are objects
things we hold
things we look at

what is love
how we feel
how we act

who is me
something simple
something complex

what are colors
explosions of pigment
ink solidified

what are words
communicating feelings
communicating thoughts

life isn't really this rational, you know.

i love trampolines and squeaky swings
and taking a walk in my pajamas and crocs
and nobody cares because nobody's there.
i love climbing trees, although not with bees
and hopping on rocks without any socks
and i don't care, 'cause i'm blissfully unaware
that anyone's there.

-a.s.

“Anxiety does not empty tomorrow of its sorrows,
but only empties today of its strength.”
-Charles Spurgeon

afraid to jump i stand.
i crouch down sobbing.
i can't let go.
trying to be strong
i rise again.
angrily stomp
and dash away my tears.
not paralyzed by fear,
but paralyzed by longing.
held captive by the desire
to make all things better.
i am crippled by loss. . .

Oh God
You are the only thing
that enables me to smile
through my tears.
and laugh when my heart
is breaking.
that makes me worship
you when i want to give up.
that makes me hold on
when i want to let go.
thank you.


Father, dry my tears, and show me the way to go. . .

God seems silent and far away.

when He who died for me.
suffered in my place.
i did not know it
did not care
but He opened my eyes
drew me close with love
and I realized
His death.
was very very recent.